Filipino guy in Los Angeles, talking about his daily blah, reality tv, world events... a little bit of everything

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Flipping The Page To The Next Chapter

It's official. I'm leaving my lab. I finally had the guts to meet up with my boss/mentor early this morning. I had a script in mind, every word, every phrase was selected so I would have the right tone.

Me: "Hi Judy! Do you mind if I close your door."

Boss: "Go ahead."

Me: "I've been trying to meet up with you...I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks...I just feel that I need to think about my future in this prog-ram and my progress in the lab these past two years...I thought I can do it by myself but I think this might not be the best arrangement for me."

As soon as I said that, I started crying... It was crazy! I don't know why I reacted that way. Maybe because I actually like her as a mentor, and I do like my research. If I hated her or the lab then I would'nt even bother to set up a meeting, instead I'll just send an email. We talked for about an hour. What next step will be? She was very understanding, I had a feeling she would be fine with my decision and she also told me that she knew that it was time for a change.Looking back, I know why I cried. I HATE CHANGE. OK, hate might be too extreme of a word. I dislike it. I thrive on maintaining a constant balance life where I have control of things (once again this brings up my control issues) but I also realize the only constant part of a person's life is the inevitability of encountering a change in situation. Without it, life will be static, boring and predictable.

Like every other major event in my life where there's a major shift in direction, I reacted the same way. I dealt with it by not being afraid to show what I'm truely feeling at that instant...most of the time by crying. I was a quite a mess when I finally decided to come out to my family or when we left the Philippines for the U.S.. Even minor changes brings me to tears (theres a lot of crying in the car, or in front of the tv).

I know I can deal with this. It might mean I have to stay another three years in graduate school but I would rather take the challenge of discovering a new path than be stucked in another one that leads me nowhere.
"Hmmm... which way should I go?"


Blogger rOckY said...

It takes a lot of guts to make a decision this big and I'm sure this is the right time for making such a change.

Good luck in discovering the next chapter in your life. I'm sure it'll be a good "read"

3:17 PM

Blogger Ernesto said...

Thanks rocky!

4:17 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww Ernie, I feel the same way about a lot of things, but unfortunately, I just don't have the guts to make that change right now.

Eventually, I hope I would...

I cry a lot too!! More than you know.

But good luck! =)

10:54 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahha.. I'm such a dorko.. the above comment was from me.


10:55 PM

Anonymous jase said...

I thought it best to share with you my mantra in life:

When you are in the thick of things and changes are inevitable:



11:19 PM


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