L.A. Blah: The neighborhood prostitute

I'm starting a series of stories about fascinating things I've seen/experienced/heard in the past I've been living in L.A. Its such a big metropolis with all sorts of neighborhoods so I dont think I'll run out of stories to tell (that is I can get my lazy self to actually write). What better way to start but to focus on the notoriety of Hollywood at night.

Hollywood is definitely a touristy during the day. Attracting people from all over the world, gawking at the stars on Hollywood Blvd (and adjacent streets), strolling pass cheesy souvenir stores selling everything from t-shirts to vibrators. At night, its a completely different story. The seedy side of Hollywood shows up.

After hanging with my friends on a Thursday night in West Hollywood, I decided that its time to go home (I think its about 2AM) since I still have to go to work 6 hours later. I was driving east on Santa Monica Blvd. with only a few other cars sort of in a group with me. Right before the 101 freeway (cant remember the intersection) I could see that the light coming up had just turned yellow so I slowly braked. All of a sudden a woman stepped out of the light post that she probably was leaning on. With only one yellow-ish street light illuminating her, I could barely see the woman. She's slightly on the heavy side, wearing a black mid-riff top, a very short skirt, her hair is all messed up. I could've mistaken her for a homeless person except she had tons of make up (her face looks a lot lighter tone than the rest of her body) and some high-heeled stripper shoes. Now the lights in some of these intersection are time-programmed while others have sensors that can detect which d

irection has cars on it. This intersection has the former kind, thus I had to wait (with about four other cars) for that light to change to green. I was just staring at the light but I could see the woman in my peripheral vision. ALL OF A SUDDEN, WITH ONE QUICK MOVE, SHE PUSHED HER TOP DOWN, REVEALING HER ENORMOUS TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!

Saying that I was surprised is a bit of an understatement. It was more like, scared, intrigued, and weirdly enough concerned. Did I stare? Of course I did...who wouldn't? It was like passing by an accident, you cant help but rubber neck. Now let me explain my mixed reaction to this. First I was scared because I wasnt sure what she's going to do next. My virgin eyes (ok thats a lie) had been visually attacked by all that boobs. I was afraid that she's going to walk towards the car to make sure that we (remember that there were other cars around me) had seen her. After a second or two, I then became intrigued. She seems harmless, just jiggling her stuff, showing it off! As a gay man, I wasnt particularly excited by this (theres something about flaunting your stuff in publlic is not very exciting to me even with guys as I could recall that I was not sexually aroused by watching the two guys on that show "Puppetry of the Penis). All I could think about was how bad of a job she w

as doing...(which led me to the last reaction of concern).

A little bit of a backstory before I continue (I promise its connected). I spent the first half of my life in Olongapo City in the Philippines. Olongapo is like Las Vegas but definitely more adult oriented. The city became one of the two leading prostitution hubs in the country because of the American Naval base that was present there for almost a century. Wherever you find sailors theres a good chance you'll find prostitutes...and there were lots of them. My mom's family owned some studio-sized one bedroom apartments adjacent to our own house. Some renters were families but it was mostly the "working girls". Some people may say they were raised by wolves...WELL I WAS RAISED BY PROSTITUTES! (just kidding). I learned a lot (in fact way too much) from these old neighbors of mine. They would always tell us work-related stories (being part of a menage a trois or how one guy is as hung as horse etc). One neighbor in particular is Tess. She was a feisty and very voluptuous conside

ring her petite stature. She was loud as fuck and had her boyfriend on a very tight leash. They would always fight, probably mostly because of her job (or mainly because she's insane). One time she chased him with a bolo knife and they both were "arrested" by the local barangay patrol (similar to a neighborhood watch group). Anyway, despite her crazy antics, Tess was always nice to us kids and she was a source of exciting stories.

Going back to my original story (with the teachings from Tess), I felt concern for this woman on the street corner of Hollywood mostly because she's not doing a good job. Heres a few things she did wrong:

1. Entice customers but dont scare them away --- Don't flaunt the goods leaving nothing to imagination. Thats bad business approach. I understand that its already very late at night but letting the puppies out on an intersection is not exactly a good move regardless of how desperate you are. Maybe a quick slip but nothing like what she was doing.

2. Know your demographics --- She is in the wrong street. See the thing is, theres a good chunk of drivers on Santa Monica Blvd. at 2 AM are probably batting for the other team. Since most of the gay clubs are on Santa Monica, the gay guys (ie. me) is not exactly part of your demographics (regardless of how drunk they are). With this in mind, I suggest that she moves up a few blocks north to Sunset Blvd. or a few more blocks to Hollywood Blvd. These streets are lined up with straight bars and touristy places. She might even score a night with Hugh Grant or Eddie Murphy (but he's probably going to ignore her coz she's not a transvestite).

3. Packaging --- The very first thing that a customer will notice is how you present (both clothes and attitude) yourself, then they look closer at the product. Once again showing all the product at once is too aggressive and probably wont work. Wearing stripper shoes is also not very cute and probably will hurt your feet standing on that corner. Too much make up can also turn you from just another prostitute to a clown and thats definitely going to scare away the customers...

So whats the point of this post...nothing really....I just thought that I should post about a little experince I had while living here in L.A. Dont get me wrong, I'm not making fun of prostitutes nor am I fully in support of their jobs..I'm somewhere in the middle.

Ooopppsss the light just turned green... I stepped on the gas and sped up with a smile on my face...She's not exactly Julia Roberts so I'm sure that no Richard Gere will pick her up, but I'm sure someone is desperate enough to buy what she's selling.