Goodbye Pluto...

The inner dork in me just can't ignore today's announcement that our dear solar system just "eliminated" poor Pluto off the list of what is considered a planet. Well, the blame for this ridiculous change in defining what a planet really is lies on the even dorkier group of the International Astronomical Union who had a meeting in Prague (I'm sure they chose this place coz its fairly close to Russia so they can have a side trip to visit their Russian mail-order bride since they probably cant get any dates). It sucks because I can no longer use my favorite mnemonic (the first letter of each word corresponds to the nine... ooopppss now 8 planets relative to their distance from the sun):

My Very Eager Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pets



Anyway, whatever the reasons behind this change, I'm sure its not as fascinating as my own made-up scenario of what happened to Pluto. The inner gay (combined to my previously mentioned inner dork) in me just had to make fun of this whole mess. Picture this ( and I need you to really try to imagine it eventhough its a ridiculous premise), the solar system is like high school. Yes I said it, the solar system is like high school. Each planet played stereotypical roles similar to that of the typical jock, nerd, artist etc. Here's the characters:

"The In Crowd"

*Earth--- The queen bee of the entire school. She lives off attention and would rather be shot
than be seen wearing the same outfit within the same month. She has a posse who
follows everthing she says and does. (For those who'se seen "Mean Girls" she's Regina)

*Mars---- Earth's 1st in command, she is intelligent but very insecure. (Again, based on
"Mean Girls" she's Gretchen). She knows that she can be the queen bee someday
but in the meantime, she defers to Earth's ridiculous rules.

*Venus---Earth's 2nd in command. All she wants to do in life is to marry a filthy rich, old,
senile man and get all of his money after he dies (ala Anna Nicole).

"The Jocks/Cheerleaders"

*Jupiter---The alpha male, every girl wants him except Earth coz they used to date before but
she totally dumped him because he made out with Saturn under the bleachers. He
is still in love with Earth but is still with Saturn coz she's easy.

*Saturn---The lead cheerleader, she can do splits mid air while puking her guts out after eating her lunch that consist of Listerine thin mints.

*Uranus--Jupiter's right wing man. He is also a jock with some feminine mannerisms. A closet
case, Uranus decided to join all sort of team sports so he can smack the other guys
in the ass and so he can always be the one to drop the soap in the shower.


"The Freaks and Geeks"

*Mercury--The quiet kid. The one who has the best probability of blowing up the school.
Mostly by himself, spraying graffiti and torturing the school squirrels,
no one bothers him because they're afraid of what he's capable of doing coz he's
such a hot head.

*Neptune-- The artsy kid. He's also in band, and other student groups. He tries to be civil
with every group but will occasionally get picked on by the jocks when he plays the trumpet during Friday night football games. Constantly made fun by the "Mean Girls" because of her odd sense of fashion.

*Pluto---- The new kid in school. He's not only physically smaller, he's also struggling to blend in with the other groups thus ending up in the "Freaks, Geeks and other
unimportant kids". Constantly getting shoved around the lockers and had been
submerged in toilet water.

One day, in the cafeteria, the "Mean Girls" were discussing if they will forever ban trucker hats and uggs boots. Most of the talking was between Mars and Venus with Earth just pretending to listen to whatever the two were saying. All of a sudden, Earth felt something splashed on her fake extensions...

Earth: [In her valley girl accent] " Ohhhh my gosh....like what the hell is this? Its totally eww!"

Venus: "Oh Earth, are you okay? That new kid (Pluto) walked by and I think he totally spilled something on you."

Mars: "I saw it too. He's like in sooo much trouble. "

Venus: "Oh my, Earth let me get something to clean you up."

Earth: "Dont touch my hair, I can do it. (Uses a Kleenex to dry the tiny area where Pluto's opened water bottle, almost falling over the cafeteria tray thus spilling a little bit of water. She then started to brush her hair). I'm sooo gonna make sure that that new kid is banished off this school."

The Jocks had just finished their morning practice so they decided to stop by the cafeteria. As they walked in, they heard all the clucking of the "Mean Girls". Jupiter, still in love with Earth, decided to find out whats going on. Together with Uranus (who decided to wear a Hane's ribbed A-shirt, two sizes too small thus revealing his nipple ring), the Jocks started walking but got intercepted by Saturn.

Saturn: "Hi Honey! Guess what, I lost 1 pound because of last night (and she winks)."

Jupiter: "Uh huh thats good." (never really paying attention).

Saturn: "Uhmmm where are you going? Do you want to have a repeat performance tonight? Do you want to pick me up? Do you want to? Do you want to?

Jupiter: " Uhmmmm I'm busy" (continued to walk, leaving Saturn all pissed off feeling completely dissed).

The girls are still making a scene when Jupiter and Uranus finally approached them.

Jupiter: "Hi ladies! What's going on? Is everything ok?"

Earth: "No, everything is not ok. Everything is shit! That new kid (again Pluto) spilled an entire bowl of hot soup all over me (completely exaggerated and full of lies). Does'nt he know who I am? Uh, like I can totally make his life a living hell"

Jupiter: "What?!?! Thats insane. Where is he? I'm going to beat him up."

Uranus: "Awesome idea dude"

Venus and Mars: "Like make him pay for all the pain that he caused Earth"

Earth: "Thanks girls for noticing...look at me, I'm all flustered and icky. Girls, I need to go freshen up in the ladies room"

Earth stood up and everyone made room for her to walk. Her posse following after her. Jupiter and Uranus started to walk around trying to find Pluto. Saturn, was eavesdropping all along and used her cheerleading skills doing some stunt-like jumps and cartwheels to get to the table where Pluto was sitting. She decided that since Jupiter has been ignoring her, she's going to screw up Jupiter's plan by warning Pluto.

Saturn: "Excuse me, are you the new kid?"

Pluto: "I guess so. Why do you ask?"

Saturn: "Well my boyfriend, Jupiter...you know the captain of the football team, is hunting you down. Apparently, you spilled soup and salad and meatloaf on her (more exaggerations).

Pluto: (In disbelief, considering he's having water and a tuna sandwich for lunch) "Uhmmm... I dont know what you're talking about."

Saturn: "Well, like I'm just being nice here, letting you know about it. Regardless of what you did or did not do, you better hide or else your dead."

To Be Continued....